As divine as dark chocolate

As divine as dark chocolate  

A young girl sits in her room, sad. She looks at the mirror and there it reflects her dusky self. Enter the mother with a tube of fairness cream and the girl looks up and smiles. BAM!! She is a fair and all her problems are gone. She wins awards, an amazing job and the man of her dreams. Don’t worry! Apparently more than half the world is familiar with such advertisements. Activists and groups can all cry aloud, but the media and advertising or even your next door aunty will not stop commenting if someone is dark.

The ASCI, “Advertising Standards Council of India can bring in new guidelines for fairness products and adverts. But the shadow of colourism looms large” Says Nandita Das, a dark skinned beautiful actress. It’s very sad that the confidence level and capability of a person is calculated based on the colour of one’s skin. As an ambassador of “Dark is Beautiful” campaign, she says, people are discriminated against because of their skin colour.

During my research, I met Dr. Anand, a leading dermatologist in Adayar. He says, he has about 3-4 walk in patients a day. These are anxious parents with young dark skinned teenagers, who come in wanting me to lighten their skin. “I think it is racist and constitutional.” He says, beauty parlours are keen to cater to this demand and therefore provide steroid based creams which end up giving the user  boils, pimples and rashes and even bleached skin. What is alarming is today men are not conscious of their looks, they are hyper conscious. They are ready to spend lakhs of rupees just to look fair. I turn down these requests and tell them to go to a nearby hardware store and buy some bleaching powder instead.

The word Krishna means dark. We are ready to worship him, but don’t want our children to be born dark. Shadii.com or Bharathmatrimony is over flowing with requests for fair skinned brides. The Indian Medical Association is working towards banning over the counter sales of steroid based creams as these creams have a side effect.  Yes, they do lighten the skin pigment, but excess usage can lead to skin cancer. Today we have gone so far to the extent, that we want our underarms to be white.

Every single film, magazine, hoarding, advertisement show dark actresses paler and paler until they become fair. Ranjinikath’s daughter was born dark, but today looks photoshopped and fair. “We as Indians are very racist. It’s deeply ingrained. There is so much pressure by peer groups, magazines that fair is ideal” says Nandita Das. How many times have we heard jokes offensive to dark colour people while we click photos to not merge with the shadows.

A majority of our people will disagree that such discrimination even exists. It is only those who have personally experienced it, will agree to the existence of criticism and subtle remarks. We have adopted fair actresses to act in our movies. But it is permissible for the actors to be any colour they wish. Even Barbie dolls, after an outcry that they are all fair and white are now being produced to represent skin pigments of all continents. 

How can we fight this?

1)     Talk to your child’s teacher about raising this as an issue in class.

2)     Provide equal opportunity for children of all skin shades.

3)     Empower your family with equality.

4)     Encourage your child on the joy of having friends of all cultures and colours.

We have to stand up against all forms of media messaging and cultural bias against dark coloured girls. I hope that our children will grow up believing that all skin colours are beautiful. 

 Life of Ti"

In an age where people don’t run to rescue another person, I ran, because he fell into my enclosure. I looked at him and he was shaking, yet frozen. I wondered what he was doing inside my enclosure. He seems strange and he was crouched in front of me. I looked at him for some more time he seems so small and weak. When suddenly after good 15mins I saw lot of men, over the wall, screaming and shouting and throwing things at me, they even throw stone at me, one hit my thigh, and another my lower stomach. They were shouting bachao maaro maaro I did not react, Some even took pictures with their cell phones I  merely looked at them my white whiskers twitching, asking why are you throwing stones at me? Have I hurt you did I do any harm to you,? Before I could say anything more, 1 big black stone the size of an orange, hit my eyes. I thought they would hurt the man, who was trembling with fear in front of me. So I put my paw to protect him from these people who were throwing stones at me and at him and it hit him and he thought I was going to kill him. I wasn’t. I only wanted to protect him.

I am not a man eater, but my anxiety and stress affected me that I was sure they would either kill me or kill him. I am only 7 yrs old and I am a white tiger my name is Vijay and did you know that white tigers like me are weaker than other tigers because we are derived from a single wild ancestor caught way back in the 1950s. we are all severely in bred to retain our peculiar colour.

"Tell me why do you hunt me after you have taken away my habitat and for your booming business.

"Have I ever worn your skin?, and bones for me?.

You kill me for fun and amusement or to show how brave you are. But you will also take my picture and put me on your postage stamp. You use helicopters, automatic weapons, poison, traps, to kill me I am not asking to be alive for the environment. I am just saying, how can you commit this crime?  You call me an animal and you kill me, I am wondering whether I should be called a human being and you an Animal.

But I would hate to do that, because today I feel that it’s better to be an animal than a human being.Because I wonder whether my children would be proud of me if I wasn’t being human

No offense meant. These are just words. Because I honor life.

I was born before you, this planet was mine, Africa, Thailand, Nepal , India and more. Yet, no man was taken away from his land.

Today, my land is taken away and I am put into reserves and parks and even there , you kill me. You who are my protector cannot be trusted.
Can you defend me?.

Can you honor the life within me?

Will you join hands together and give us a gift. A gift that will make a lasting difference, to me, and to you , since we (all tigers) are critical for your well being.

Come, start a campaign and adopt a wild cat, in honor of a family member, friend, or anyone to help conserve some of the biggest cats on this planet. If you ask me, why you should save me, Whats in it for you ? and I am sure you will ask that because in the web of life we are all inter related.  if you save me. You save yourself Just the other day I heard my cousin twice removed a leopard wandered in Krishnagiri , searching for water and something to eatwhen he was hounded for 3 dayys and he hid inside ann old tiny cave  and then he was caught  hung upside down with his legs tied to two poles

Just give me a fighting chance, so that your grand children and their grand childrens will know what a tiger is. Because I am so charismatic, I am not just a wild animal. If I go extinct, the entire system will collapse. I am a predator, and I live on top of the food chain, so if I live, the entire eco system lives. I have only 3119 tiger brothers left, before you destroy the eco system and climate change.

Save me !

Contact Shyla  she loves me and all of Nature loves her too.

The Difference between Love and Rescue

Teresa and Anoop got married after all the usual hassles, from

 both sides, questions were raised about religion , age , and most

  importantly about financial disparity.

Anoop was a school dropout .and she worked for a Bank

 Years later she headed her department, and he was hardly able

 to hold on to a job.

Two kids and she now support him while he has become insecure

 and suspicious.

Nothing new about this story except that when I look at it

 through a coaching lens, I wish youngsters would be able make

 out the difference between love and rescue

People who grow up in a dysfunctional family may fail to learn the difference between love and sympathy. Children growing up in these conditions may learn to have sympathy for the emotional crippling in their parents’ lives and feel that the only time they get attention is when they show compassion for the parent. They feel that when they forgive, they are showing love. Actually, they are rescuing the parent and enabling abusive behaviour to continue. They learn to give up their own protective boundaries in order to take care of the dysfunctioning parent, becoming a surrogate co-dependent spouse. In adulthood, they carry these learned behaviours into their own relationships. If they can rescue their partner from the consequences of their behaviour, they feel that they are showing love. They get a warm, caring, sharing feeling from helping their partner, a feeling they call love. But this may actually encourage their partner to become needy and helpless enabling the negative behaviour to continue. An imbalance can then occur in the relationship in which one partner becomes the rescuer or enabler and the other plays the role of the helpless victim. In this case, healthy boundaries which allow both partners to live complete lives are absent. Mature love requires the presence of healthy, flexible boundaries.

Sympathy and compassion are worthy qualities, but they can be confused with love, especially when boundaries have become distorted or are virtually non existent. Healthy boundaries lead to respect for the other and equality in a relationship, an appreciation for the aliveness and strength of the other person, and a mutual flow of feelings between the two partners, all features of mature love. When one partner is in control and the other is needy and helpless, there is no room for the give-and-take of a healthy relationship.

Stand up and be counted

Stand up and be counted

I appeal that we combat this sleazy disease called “Street harassment”.

I stand in front of you in anguish, trepidation lest I may not be understood for my intention,

lest I be misunderstood for voicing a volatile subject,

lest I be dismissed as a feminist.

I stand as a woman, as a mother for my daughter and a thousand other daughters like her who go through this harrowing experience every day, twice. 

Months ago my daughter and her friend came home raging about Chennai ... Changing their opinion about this lovely city. Saying they wanted to move out of this city, that Men here were lecherous and cheap. 

I was shocked and stunned

What happened? 

Men lift their lungis, they stare at us like they have never seen a woman before, make crude remarks about our body , our dress , they sing lewd songs when we walk by they even try to grope ,or pinch our bottoms at traffic signals and today in “27 D” as we were standing in a crowded bus talking , there was this well dressed man swaying towards us leering in our direction, holding the iron rod near our fingers , how do we express that he was unwelcome the conductor passed by feigning blindness as did many other people till an old lady came to our rescue shouted him in the most musical colourful language, and he slunk away . I feel so dirty; a hundred baths will not cleanse me 

I sat speechless, my skin crawled and my stomach churned. I had this wonderful picture of taking my daughter moving away to another country where women will not be leered at, or seen as objects of desire.

With due respect and acceptance to the exceptions seated here, I ask what can I do about this? What can you do about this? How can we tip the balance against street harassment?

After a sleepless night I formed a 5 step approach called AWARE to build confidence and preparedness 

v  A Accept that you are a woman, and don't belittle yourself for your looks, height, colour or weight, hold your head high and believe in yourself don't panic. 

v  W Watch yourself ... Pause be perceptive gauge your locality, surroundings, pre-empt any situation which can lead to touch. 

v  A Act as if you already have help, look at who might be able to rouse a ruckus and support you.

v  R Remember to call the police, or parents, or anyone else near by. 

v  E Ensure you are not in the dark ,and lonely areas ensure you do not travel alone keep a safety measure like pepper spray ,or chilly powder.

Having said this our fear and insecurity to step out has to be burnt we like Phoenix have to fly again, rise from this deteriorating ashes 

If we as urban middle class do not stand up how will others who live in smaller villages fight this insolent might? 

Build awareness, use this awareness, create awareness, apply this awareness 

I ask of every single person not to drive away when you see such injustice happen .Time and again I bless this old lady for her gumption to shout away a lecherous worm and save my daughter of her dignity.

I appeal to change our mindset, to sensitise ourselves to the women in our lives, to stand up and be counted as a voice that will be heard against street harassment 

I remember this poem I read in a world war 2 written by a pastor Martin Niemoller

I quote:

First they came for the Socialists. ,

And

I did not speak out, because I was not a Socialist

Then they came for the trade unionists

And

I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist

Then they came for the Jews

And

I did not speak out because I was not a Jew

Then they came for me

And

There was no one to speak for me

Stand up and be counted, let our collective psyche change darkness to dawn 

Can we allow our women to be muted by such deviants? 

Will you stand up and be counted? 

                                                                  ___

The Abilene Paradox

I was reading this article "The Abilene Paradox" by Jerry B Harvey ..... It struck home a true chord , given my convictions on openness and truth , it made a lot of sense.

This article talks about how, ever so often we do not speak our minds , for fear of being the odd one out , as he calls it the' Fear of Separation ., separation from the group , family so we step in line to be perceived as the normal one.

Through our advertisements and good morning messages we shout at the top of our voices to follow your heart , dreams and desires, it's very rare that you actually witness or be that person who will tell your team or boss that this research project is doomed to fail because of the outdated data , or any other reason.

We also harbour a " Action Anxiety "which translates into a belief that stems from acting according to what the members believe what needs to be done , or said.

So comparing it to 'The Emperors New Clothes' where the entire kingdom praises the Kings new clothes , simply because none of them wanted to be seen as incompetent . So including the King thinks and behaves like he has worn the most exotic , dress in the entire kingdom till a young child exclaims , that ' He isn't wearing any"! . The risk that this child takes when he is reprimanded and chided by many other grown ups for fear of penalty , is an attribute that we as members of society , organization , why even families slowly diminishes .
This could be for 3 reasons 1 it's not my problem and 2 What's in it for me ? 3 a kind of blindness that we have unknowingly grown with , the desire and consciousness to step out and voice it , has become a huge risk.

We believe in "Negative Fantasies",

even when managers and members of an organization see and believes and sometimes know the truth , they prefer to believe that speaking their truth would in way bring about a loss of face or loyalty would be questioned or a loss of prestige , position , or job would be at stake they could be ostracised or labelled as non team players.

Risk is a reality of life ,a condition of existence . John F Kennedy said " Life is unfair"but we have in the history of our times revered and worshipped those who took the risk . Nelson Mandela , Gandhi , Martin Luther King , or even today's Malala . 

All risks have consequences , however not taking the risk may paradoxically place us in situations which we actually fought against .

We did not want a loss of face , or prestige or even financial loss , but by not risking to speak our truth , we have jeopardised that which we fought to save.

Boats and Beach

Stream of Consciousness

Tamasic-Self-Esteem

     Last week, I met this 75 year old gentlemen.  He was an agnostic and now into meditation and pranayama. A very hale and hearty person, balding with large eyes and a rotund tummy. We got around to talking about meditation and he asked me whether we could meditate together the next morning. I promptly agreed. After my morning walk, we met at my balcony and meditated in the same space. 
After the meditation he educated me about Buddhist approach to meditation.     I replied that I was comfortable with my Gayathri Mantra and it worked for me. After few minutes he left and it was difficult for him to converse with me after that. 
What went wrong?
We all have our Self Esteem or imagine we do have a strong one. This Self Esteem while confident about many things, is defensive about any comment or remark about the perceived Self. It's like a red beep that goes off when it imagines a poke at Self. It catches all offenses that floats in the air and makes it its own. It attempts to personalize the story, add drama and top it up at a personal rejection. 
In Mexico, there are dream catchers that are placed near the bed to catch a person's dream. Similarly, we have our own dream catchers activated to catch all offenses, victim-hoods, hurts, criticisms and pain so that my perceived Self Esteem becomes Rajasic or worse Tamasic. 
It reaps and confers hatred, blame, resentment, jealousy, guilt or shame. 
The Self feels justified and seeks a natural retribution which lends a righteous purpose for their living. 

Shrink Your Snakes

                         Shrink Your Snakes 

I was coaching one of my clients , she was sharing that one of her main challenge to all her problems was that she was risk averse and loathe to take any action , so she felt demotivated and nervous about any escalation that happened in her office . Did she feel competent enough, Yes! she affirmed But she did not feel she could cope with the problems that might arise .

So I asked her to imagine a snake in the room , and what would her reaction be ? she said she would scream and run and hang on to the fan . she imagined it to be a 5 ft quite heavy , pock marked venomous , lying on the side of the table .

I asked her to imagine that she could shrink the snake .

So she shrunk it to a black thin one lying in the corner a feet long 

Now what would she do? I asked 

She said she would call the gardener and have it removed 

the silence of realization hit us 

How often do we create big snakes in our minds , that it renders us powerless , and incapable  of action depletes our ability to cope . Yet time and time again we have in reality coped with harsher and tougher situations , sudden crisis , unexpected ambiguities , unknown people 

My invitation .. how would it be  if I could shrink my snakes into a manageable perspective? 

How does it make me be , when I do ?