ved vyas inner space

Thursday, November 13, 2014

The Difference between Love and Rescue


Teresa and Anoop got married after all the usual hassles, from
 both sides, questions were raised about religion , age , and most
  importantly about financial disparity.

Anoop was a school dropout .and she worked for a Bank
 Years later she headed her department, and he was hardly able
 to hold on to a job.

Two kids and she now support him while he has become insecure
 and suspicious.

Nothing new about this story except that when I look at it
 through a coaching lens, I wish youngsters would be able make
 out the difference between love and rescue

People who grow up in a dysfunctional family may fail to learn the difference between love and sympathy. Children growing up in these conditions may learn to have sympathy for the emotional crippling in their parents’ lives and feel that the only time they get attention is when they show compassion for the parent. They feel that when they forgive, they are showing love. Actually, they are rescuing the parent and enabling abusive behaviour to continue. They learn to give up their own protective boundaries in order to take care of the dysfunctioning parent, becoming a surrogate co-dependent spouse. In adulthood, they carry these learned behaviours into their own relationships. If they can rescue their partner from the consequences of their behaviour, they feel that they are showing love. They get a warm, caring, sharing feeling from helping their partner, a feeling they call love. But this may actually encourage their partner to become needy and helpless enabling the negative behaviour to continue. An imbalance can then occur in the relationship in which one partner becomes the rescuer or enabler and the other plays the role of the helpless victim. In this case, healthy boundaries which allow both partners to live complete lives are absent. Mature love requires the presence of healthy, flexible boundaries.
Sympathy and compassion are worthy qualities, but they can be confused with love, especially when boundaries have become distorted or are virtually non existent. Healthy boundaries lead to respect for the other and equality in a relationship, an appreciation for the aliveness and strength of the other person, and a mutual flow of feelings between the two partners, all features of mature love. When one partner is in control and the other is needy and helpless, there is no room for the give-and-take of a healthy relationship.


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Friday, November 7, 2014

Stand up and be counted

Stand up and be counted

I appeal that we combat this sleazy disease called “Street harassment”.

I stand in front of you in anguish, trepidation lest I may not be understood for my intention,
lest I be misunderstood for voicing a volatile subject,
lest I be dismissed as a feminist.
I stand as a woman, as a mother for my daughter and a thousand other daughters like her who go through this harrowing experience every day, twice. 
Months ago my daughter and her friend came home raging about Chennai ... Changing their opinion about this lovely city. Saying they wanted to move out of this city, that Men here were lecherous and cheap. 

I was shocked and stunned

What happened? 

Men lift their lungis, they stare at us like they have never seen a woman before, make crude remarks about our body , our dress , they sing lewd songs when we walk by they even try to grope ,or pinch our bottoms at traffic signals and today in “27 D” as we were standing in a crowded bus talking , there was this well dressed man swaying towards us leering in our direction, holding the iron rod near our fingers , how do we express that he was unwelcome the conductor passed by feigning blindness as did many other people till an old lady came to our rescue shouted him in the most musical colourful language, and he slunk away . I feel so dirty; a hundred baths will not cleanse me 
I sat speechless, my skin crawled and my stomach churned. I had this wonderful picture of taking my daughter moving away to another country where women will not be leered at, or seen as objects of desire.

With due respect and acceptance to the exceptions seated here, I ask what can I do about this? What can you do about this? How can we tip the balance against street harassment?

After a sleepless night I formed a 5 step approach called AWARE to build confidence and preparedness 
v  A Accept that you are a woman, and don't belittle yourself for your looks, height, colour or weight, hold your head high and believe in yourself don't panic. 
v  W Watch yourself ... Pause be perceptive gauge your locality, surroundings, pre-empt any situation which can lead to touch. 
v  A Act as if you already have help, look at who might be able to rouse a ruckus and support you.
v  R Remember to call the police, or parents, or anyone else near by. 
v  E Ensure you are not in the dark ,and lonely areas ensure you do not travel alone keep a safety measure like pepper spray ,or chilly powder.

Having said this our fear and insecurity to step out has to be burnt we like Phoenix have to fly again, rise from this deteriorating ashes 
If we as urban middle class do not stand up how will others who live in smaller villages fight this insolent might? 
Build awareness, use this awareness, create awareness, apply this awareness 
I ask of every single person not to drive away when you see such injustice happen .Time and again I bless this old lady for her gumption to shout away a lecherous worm and save my daughter of her dignity.
I appeal to change our mindset, to sensitise ourselves to the women in our lives, to stand up and be counted as a voice that will be heard against street harassment 
I remember this poem I read in a world war 2 written by a pastor Martin Niemoller
I quote:
First they came for the Socialists. ,
And
I did not speak out, because I was not a Socialist
Then they came for the trade unionists
And
I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist
Then they came for the Jews
And
I did not speak out because I was not a Jew
Then they came for me
And
There was no one to speak for me

Stand up and be counted, let our collective psyche change darkness to dawn 
Can we allow our women to be muted by such deviants? 
Will you stand up and be counted? 

                                                                  ___
Posted by shyleswari 2 comments:

Thursday, November 6, 2014

The Abilene Paradox

I was reading this article "The Abilene Paradox" by Jerry B Harvey ..... It struck home a true chord , given my convictions on openness and truth , it made a lot of sense.


This article talks about how, ever so often we do not speak our minds , for fear of being the odd one out , as he calls it the' Fear of Separation ., separation from the group , family so we step in line to be perceived as the normal one.

Through our advertisements and good morning messages we shout at the top of our voices to follow your heart , dreams and desires, it's very rare that you actually witness or be that person who will tell your team or boss that this research project is doomed to fail because of the outdated data , or any other reason.

We also harbour a " Action Anxiety "which translates into a belief that stems from acting according to what the members believe what needs to be done , or said.

So comparing it to 'The Emperors New Clothes' where the entire kingdom praises the Kings new clothes , simply because none of them wanted to be seen as incompetent . So including the King thinks and behaves like he has worn the most exotic , dress in the entire kingdom till a young child exclaims , that ' He isn't wearing any"! . The risk that this child takes when he is reprimanded and chided by many other grown ups for fear of penalty , is an attribute that we as members of society , organization , why even families slowly diminishes .
This could be for 3 reasons 1 it's not my problem and 2 What's in it for me ? 3 a kind of blindness that we have unknowingly grown with , the desire and consciousness to step out and voice it , has become a huge risk.

We believe in "Negative Fantasies",

even when managers and members of an organization see and believes and sometimes know the truth , they prefer to believe that speaking their truth would in way bring about a loss of face or loyalty would be questioned or a loss of prestige , position , or job would be at stake they could be ostracised or labelled as non team players.


Risk is a reality of life ,a condition of existence . John F Kennedy said " Life is unfair"but we have in the history of our times revered and worshipped those who took the risk . Nelson Mandela , Gandhi , Martin Luther King , or even today's Malala . 
All risks have consequences , however not taking the risk may paradoxically place us in situations which we actually fought against .

We did not want a loss of face , or prestige or even financial loss , but by not risking to speak our truth , we have jeopardised that which we fought to save.
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Member of ICC in the POSH Act , Professional member at ISABS. Licensed Human Element Practitioner certified from The Schutz Company , Psycho Drama Practitioner,
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