On Living Life and Building Relationships without Blame

Let me segment the article into 5
What is Blame?
Why do we do it?
What happens to the other person when we do it?
What’s the true perspective?
How can we live in harmony?


What is Blame?

Blame is pinpointing to someone else, criticizing or holding someone or something other than self as responsible .or indulge in a finger pointing exercise .Harass with constant criticism

I speak from a personal experience, I have grown up as a child blaming and receiving it in equal measure. As a teenager I have been reduced in it .as a young adult I decided in my subconscious that I was not going to take it anymore and decided to retaliate strongly whenever I heard it and so we played the better part of our lives living through it or passing it on wherever possible or whoever was wiling to take it. I assumed it to be a logical way of life , blissfully ignorant of the pain I was causing to myself indirectly and to the others directly . I went about thinking I had absolved myself of any wrong doing and I had a right to be angry and aggressive

At another level we had it reinforced in subtle ways that we had to be ashamed and repent or at least feel remorseful or we were most welcome to go on a guilt trip if you please.
So we duly accepted that as the last word and we excavated each little error, each little mistake and grew more and more self righteous since we had confessed our sins now it was your turn. And if you did not, God forbid! You were slotted as arrogant and headstrong.
So the spiral grew .

Till as I reach my middle age I realize and look back with amusement and amazement at the sad designs we drew for ourselves and those we professed to love.

Why do we blame another?

It makes us feel good. It makes us feel that we are right and helps us place the responsibility on another without any wrongness for our self.
It gives an edge to be aggressive, or offensive or even victimized.
Our human mind works in a myriad ways, seeking, coping, releasing or protecting this simple fragile self. As a result we behave in a manner which coincides with this inner need.

What happens to the other when I blame?

He probably cannot find meaning if he /she had nothing worthy of the blame. He can withdraw, or get reactive, offend or finally end up cutting off. The life breath slowly gets choked, clogged and the pollution makes communication difficult. To overcome this, one could sit aside and talk dialogue as an adult in a mature fashion, it calls for a humungous inner strength to speak the truth with candor and courage, one of the major fears of this action is the consequence that can happen.

Another perspective
As an NVC –Non Violent Communication supporter I see and experience that it is possible to communicate without such negative feelings.
Imagine that all humans regardless of caste color or creed are here in this world for a purpose. The person may or may not be aware of it .That no life or eternal journey was completed when he died, merely that the level was done and he had to move onto another level, the questions would be different the next time. He was here because he had to learn how to cop e with issues that he created for himself, choosing lessons that he needed to learn .He could either sail through or make it worse or play it the way he chose at the beginning. That’s free will for you

For instance let’s say that I need to learn lessons on how to cope with abandonment.
I lost my Dad when I was 8, though I could not articulate the pain, or loss the fear and anxiety remains. Years later I subconsciously play it out with over dependence on my close ones. This could irritate my daughter who needs to learn to cope with self reliance. Surely there’s going to be blame, and fault finding and the whole works

If I could remember that she’s not here because of me or for me , she’s here to learn her lessons , and I can at best be there for her like the way I did when she was in her school . It gives me the distance and acceptance that there is nothing to blame anybody for. Everyone is who they are.
It even gave me an insight into the Gestalt Prayer. (I do my thing and you do your thingI am not in this world tolive up to your expectations,and you are not in this world tolive up to mine.You are youand I am Iand if by chance we find each other,it's beautiful )
More than anything else it gave me the perception and freedom. It liberated me into thinking that I am responsible for myself. And it gave new insights into detachment. Opening myself to be independent of reasoning ability .to meet others blame with skill , grace and ease .

So how can I live in harmony?

I need to let go of worn out limited beliefs. I simply have to accept that everybody is in their rightful orbit .There are more possibilities than what I can comprehend .There is a Guiding Hand in everyone’s life.
And this too will pass.

POEMS AND RELATIONSHIPS

Published in Efflorescence 09
SPRING CLEANING

When I descend
From the other side
I see cobwebs
Dust heads
Books with a hang over
And tipsy CDs
after a long night’s rock and roll

I immediately tuck the
Edge of my sari
My clambering need to sweep, shake
flog, rearrange and re schedule

Makes a lot of sparks fly
some settle on me
and some on you

Your hair stands up
as singed and electrocuted

Injured I say ‘I was only trying to help “

No! I love this chaos.
this hue , this mystery
Can’t you see!

Oh! But I know
all the answers
Says me
Righteously

Honey! You may have all the answers
It’s my chaos, my hues
And the mystery is me

If you only understood
And accepted me

What’s the need to do?
Just let’s be


WHATA WONDERFUL WORLD
Twirling and twirling
To that momentous song
You whirl and weave
in an eternal eight

I stand there
Gaping
my mouth an awning
You step on my toes
and I yelp out in pain

My protest and tears
touch you a month later

You say ‘Yeah I
Love my freedom and space
so get out of my way
appreciate me
and see my body sway ‘

I hear you say
Not to cry and react
But enjoy your
Dance every single day

I wonder at the logic
You do what you want to do
Claim your space

But I should relinquish
my space, stuff my anguish
and enjoy your gaiety and spontaneity too


What a wonderful world!

ON INCLUSION AND EXCLUSION

I have been thinking about this and needed to observe this before I came back to you.
For the past two weeks I have been at odd with this beautiful concept of seeing ‘sameness’ vis a vis ‘otherness ‘ in our community .

Culturally India has been living in large communities both at a familial level and socially too. However with Westernization individualization comes along as a corollary , and I myself have become oriented towards me and my family , slowly shedding my siblings families and others who my parents would not even have considered to do without.

As we share our tea, friends of my generation seem to linger on vistas that used to be.
For instance our childhood that was easy and light in comparison to our children who now consider any remark or comment as nosy or infringing on their privacy.

Living in a metro they have that freedom and autonomy of being relieved of judgment as they see it While 20 years back it was perceived as concern without sophisticated communication skills

We had festivals and celebrations without knowing who sponsored it. Marriages where you did not have to have a proper invite, naming ceremonies, and baby showers all reasons to converge and celebrate. on e did not have to know” who” died, just that the family was grieving was reason enough to support them in any which way we could.
Today these acts are considered ill mannered and intrusive.

To me personally it brings me closer to understanding my Mother’s words “If you draw a line sure enough there will be two segments. Right or wrong not withstanding “
So when I say this is my boundary certainly there is exclusion, and inclusion and most human beings long for inclusion. This is why we seek to exclude because in a very illogical way we get included and therefore some form of acceptance happens as an outcome.

To understand the wariness that is happening all over the world , it is quite disturbing as we are bombarded day in and day out scenes of terror , violence , death , murder , rape , anger , assaults and much more through the media .is it any wonder then that our sense of self preservation will not mount to the fore .?

Our trust levels are low and fear lurks as we meet strangers, not knowing what can happen out of this association.

It certainly pays to be safe than sorry

As our world shrinks in the palm of our hand, there is hardly a place safe from negative inquiry.

I loved the quote of Chard in and have pasted it in front of my screen, to serve as a reminder that Yes, we need to hold hands and make this ascent a natural way of being

What are your thoughts on this West African proverb “It takes a village to raise a child?”

ON WHY WE GET UPSET

Recently I was fuming and flew off my handle with a dear one.

I thought enough is enough!
I went through some real anger, self righteousness, analyzing, judging and blame at others.

I even banged my toes which to me is a physical manifestation of my own inability to move or walk away from a problem. However it did give me time to think in a sorry and sad way for myself about what I was doing to myself.

I was immobilized and all activities came to a stand still. I was forced by the Universe to stay in bed till I was ready to face the issue.
I had time to be with my thoughts and more importantly listen to them,

Some of my feelings that I could agree with was one, that I was very upset , because I had high expectations from him , and even though I thought I had communicated well, the message was not received in the way in which I meant it that led to this breakdown of communication and resulted in my being upset .

On his part he felt that I was not kind or understanding enough about his situation. this led to a mismatch of our needs. I was mad with myself for not being in charge of my feelings and emotions. I went into a guilt trip for not being stronger and more compassionate.

That’s when it struck me … Was I being compassionate to myself first?
A strong No! Was the answer I got from within?

I began to be kinder to myself fill myself with appreciation, acceptance and gentleness that I needed for my Self it took me a week to be my own best Pal. once I was filled with calmness and tranquility I was able to see the “other” in the same way .

I was able to stomach what happened
My health slowly improved, the pain that manifested in my legs started to subside.

I am now able to see that my empathy for myself can be reflected only when I am able to come from a space of consideration for myself and the other,
To see a ‘sameness’ instead of ‘otherness’ can happen only when I am calm and receptive
To relate with compassion instead of mere passion is an essential truth if I want to build relationships

I can up the settings instead of being upset with the settings