Let me segment the article into 5
What is Blame?
Why do we do it?
What happens to the other person when we do it?
What’s the true perspective?
How can we live in harmony?
What is Blame?
Blame is pinpointing to someone else, criticizing or holding someone or something other than self as responsible .or indulge in a finger pointing exercise .Harass with constant criticism
I speak from a personal experience, I have grown up as a child blaming and receiving it in equal measure. As a teenager I have been reduced in it .as a young adult I decided in my subconscious that I was not going to take it anymore and decided to retaliate strongly whenever I heard it and so we played the better part of our lives living through it or passing it on wherever possible or whoever was wiling to take it. I assumed it to be a logical way of life , blissfully ignorant of the pain I was causing to myself indirectly and to the others directly . I went about thinking I had absolved myself of any wrong doing and I had a right to be angry and aggressive
At another level we had it reinforced in subtle ways that we had to be ashamed and repent or at least feel remorseful or we were most welcome to go on a guilt trip if you please.
So we duly accepted that as the last word and we excavated each little error, each little mistake and grew more and more self righteous since we had confessed our sins now it was your turn. And if you did not, God forbid! You were slotted as arrogant and headstrong.
So the spiral grew .
Till as I reach my middle age I realize and look back with amusement and amazement at the sad designs we drew for ourselves and those we professed to love.
Why do we blame another?
It makes us feel good. It makes us feel that we are right and helps us place the responsibility on another without any wrongness for our self.
It gives an edge to be aggressive, or offensive or even victimized.
Our human mind works in a myriad ways, seeking, coping, releasing or protecting this simple fragile self. As a result we behave in a manner which coincides with this inner need.
What happens to the other when I blame?
He probably cannot find meaning if he /she had nothing worthy of the blame. He can withdraw, or get reactive, offend or finally end up cutting off. The life breath slowly gets choked, clogged and the pollution makes communication difficult. To overcome this, one could sit aside and talk dialogue as an adult in a mature fashion, it calls for a humungous inner strength to speak the truth with candor and courage, one of the major fears of this action is the consequence that can happen.
Another perspective
As an NVC –Non Violent Communication supporter I see and experience that it is possible to communicate without such negative feelings.
Imagine that all humans regardless of caste color or creed are here in this world for a purpose. The person may or may not be aware of it .That no life or eternal journey was completed when he died, merely that the level was done and he had to move onto another level, the questions would be different the next time. He was here because he had to learn how to cop e with issues that he created for himself, choosing lessons that he needed to learn .He could either sail through or make it worse or play it the way he chose at the beginning. That’s free will for you
For instance let’s say that I need to learn lessons on how to cope with abandonment.
I lost my Dad when I was 8, though I could not articulate the pain, or loss the fear and anxiety remains. Years later I subconsciously play it out with over dependence on my close ones. This could irritate my daughter who needs to learn to cope with self reliance. Surely there’s going to be blame, and fault finding and the whole works
If I could remember that she’s not here because of me or for me , she’s here to learn her lessons , and I can at best be there for her like the way I did when she was in her school . It gives me the distance and acceptance that there is nothing to blame anybody for. Everyone is who they are.
It even gave me an insight into the Gestalt Prayer. (I do my thing and you do your thingI am not in this world tolive up to your expectations,and you are not in this world tolive up to mine.You are youand I am Iand if by chance we find each other,it's beautiful )
More than anything else it gave me the perception and freedom. It liberated me into thinking that I am responsible for myself. And it gave new insights into detachment. Opening myself to be independent of reasoning ability .to meet others blame with skill , grace and ease .
So how can I live in harmony?
I need to let go of worn out limited beliefs. I simply have to accept that everybody is in their rightful orbit .There are more possibilities than what I can comprehend .There is a Guiding Hand in everyone’s life.
And this too will pass.
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